I ate a California black bean burger for lunch today. I often have interesting lunches at work, what with the gourmet, five star cafeteria and all. Yesterday I supped upon herb-roasted chicken breast on a bed of wilted greens and beet cous-cous, all delicately adorned with a garlic cream sauce. And that was fairly routine by comparison to some of the things I’ve tried. For instance, “zucchini boats.”
But the fact that I get better meals for lunch every day than most people get in a lifetime is not the point of this post. The point of this post is the interesting smells that emanate from your body after you eat a California black bean burger for lunch.
Wet dog, turpentine, tire fire, eucalyptus, and just a hint of napalm doesn’t even begin to describe the elusive scent of these farts. It’s maddening. What aspect of a meal could compel my body to release this unholy gas? It’s like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant in my butt. Don’t get too close, your face might melt! Seriously, I’m concerned for the welfare of my apartment. The walls are going to yellow, the lights will flicker unnaturally. The carpet will start to grow a deep black fuzz that feels like the underside of a tongue sliding across your foot.
My pants dissolved hours ago.
Honestly, though, the strangest thing about these expulsions is that I’ve become rather enamored with them. They say that everyone enjoys their own brand, but that’s like saying all parents appreciate their children when it seems like every week some crazy mom knifes her kids while they sleep, then drowns them in a bathtub full of bleach for good measure.
Aside: “Bathtub full of bleach” could possibly describe an aspect of these farts.
This awful, yet addictive smell makes me wonder: Is there a market for weird scents like this? Cologne and perfume makers seem to focus on masculine or floral scents – leather for men, lavender for women. But what if they branched out to catch that niche market that really wants to smell like diesel fuel or a sulphur mine. There have to be men who want to smell like something other than a gallon of Axe or a leather couch. Why not exude wealth with a nice spritz or used smoking jacket? Or demonstrate your virility to the ladies by applying a healthy dose of wolf musk? The scents could even cater to specific sub-cultures – for instance, I’m sure goths would love to smell just like an exhumed corpse.
Truly, there is a world of opportunity here. I also think I might start farting into empty bottles to create home-made hand grenades. There is no doubt in my mind that this gas is highly volatile. It might sound like a gross idea, but what can I say? I’m an entrepreneur.