Month: August 2012

Dead Animals and Noisy Children

Riding my bike to the library, I pass a great deal of roadkill. There’s a remarkable variety to the reeking, festering corpses on the side of the road. Not in terms of base animal, though, but in manner of decomposition. Some kills are fresh, just beginning to bloat into a stiff, awkward raccoon balloon. Other kills are long past their…

Wet ‘n’ Wild

Who decided that men should pee in urinals? It’s not like it’s more pleasant to stand there, dick carefully clutched so other men can’t see how awesome it is, high-powered pee stream hitting the porcelain wall and splashing back all over your pants. I can’t say jamming my peestick into a gleaming white wall trough is more comfortable than meandering…

Aside

Start using “post up” to describe my actions. For instance:

  • “Man, I’m gonna go post up by the toilet after that nasty burrito.”
  • “I’m gonna go post up at the library and check out some books.”
  • “I’m gonna post up on my girlfriend later, you know she likes that.”

There’s so much versatility and activity in the phrase. I feel like I could post up on anything or anyone, in both good situations and bad. I could post up on a winning lottery ticket or post up on the end of the plank before leaping into shark-infested waters. I could post up in first class on a jumbo-jet or down by the river, catching rats for dinner. I could even post up on myself if I’m feeling all philosophical.

What other basketball-based phrases is the modern vernacular missing out on? Lay-up? Alley-oop? Goal for the future: Only speak in pronouns, articles, and sports-related action phrases. That’s definitely a slam dunk buzzer beater.

Gym Stories Part 2

How much do you like to sweat at the gym? A little bit Not too much Enough so that you can fill a bucket with sweat, drink that bucket, and then fill another, even bigger bucket with more sweat If you chose answer 3, you would fit right in at my apartment’s gym. I went down there this evening to…

“Tickleshits”

You know it’s been a good few days when you find yourself standing alone in the dark kitchen of a friend’s apartment having just extinguished the lights over the heads of your sleeping friends who are piled like puppies on the couches and floor and all you want to do is keep standing there forever enjoying the sense of nostalgia…

Welcome to the Sunshine State

No one in this infusion clinic looks especially well. What are they infusing them with, I wonder. Probably not orange juice and sunshine. Probably something I can’t pronounce that only comes in needles the relative size and shape of a roofing nail. No one looks especially excited to be here and I can probably guess why. I’m not much of…