It’s Not a Trap!

First off, a thousand thanks to the inimitable Ian Bowden for waking me up with a start one October morning, many years ago. Who else in the world would find my printer shared on the dorm network and promptly put together a comic about the apocalypse via poop? It was also kind of him to let me post the Poopening here, for all the world to see. Perhaps there will be more collaboration in our future. Time will tell.

It seems like the world has been busy while the Slaughterhouse Club was slowly sinking into a fetid heap of dung. Halloween, Superstorm Sandy, the release of Halo 4, political candidates still being dicks – big news for everyone! For my money, though, the most exciting announcement of the past week was Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm. It would seem that Disney was finally able to extricate George Lucas’s gnarled fist from the Star Wars puppet, allowing the Mouse House to shove that big Mickey glove up there and add a bunch of fun, kid-friendly characters to the galaxy far, far away. Looking forward to watching Jar-Jar Binks and Mickey Mouse experiment with the Force in a new animated series on Toon Disney!

Really, though, I’ve been startled by the outpouring of hatred towards this multi-billion dollar deal. Let’s take a quick look at the actual results of the merger:

  • George Lucas is no longer the sole owner of the Star Wars brand. He is now merely a “creative consultant” for future films.

Well gee, I bet there are other facts, but that one seems good enough for me. After the eye-searing prequel trilogy, any announcement stating that George Lucas literally cannot make any more Star Wars films creates a glorious fireworks display in my loins. And the fears that Disney will, for lack of a better term, “Disney-fy” the Star Wars universe are completely misplaced. Several years ago Disney bought Marvel – remember the anger and fear around that megabucks deal? Just look at the five films they’ve produced thus far – all varying degrees of stellar film-making and with not a single Disney reference throughout. Iron Man didn’t place the slipper on Cinderella’s foot, the Hulk didn’t bash through the wall of the trash compactor to rescue the Toy Story gang. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think if Disney can steer Marvel films to widespread audience love and billion dollar worldwide grosses, I’m confident they can produce something out of the Star Wars universe that will at least be an improvement on Hayden Christiansen’s acting skills. Remember when he just yelled “NOOO” for like fifteen minutes at the end of the Revenge of the Sith? My god, it’s a wonder we escaped those theaters with our minds intact.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m honestly excited. I don’t think a new Star Wars film is necessary – the books, comics, and video games have extended the universe far more than I could ever have imagined, so what more can a movie reveal? But I’m willing to bet that Disney won’t fuck it up at least. If anything, they’ll take new Star Wars films back to their roots in fun, exciting, Saturday morning space adventure. Even without the original actors, I’m sure it’ll be an enjoyable experience. I mean, look at the latest Star Trek film: If ever there was a more-than-adequate extension of a played out brand, that’s the number one example.

And maybe this is just me, but I can’t stop thinking about how this will transform Disney theme parks. Considering what Universal Studios was able to do with Harry Potter, I can only imagine what the better-funded Disneyworld brand will create. Imagine stopping in a sandy cantina to get some blue milk while a band of alien musicians spins the finest jizz music this side of Coruscant. And then afterward, going on a, you know, pod racing-themed rollercoaster. Whirling through the attack on the Second Death Star in a B-Wing as Admiral Ackbar screams “It’s a trap!” into the speakers behind your head. Engaging in a simulated lightsaber battle around the Sarlacc pit. Hey, Imagineers! Hire me! I’ve got great ideas!

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