Tough loss last night for Republicans, but it did turn out that they were supporting a man who literally has a suit sewn from $1000 dollar bills and the skins of orphans. I suppose in many ways that seems preferable to Obama, the Muslim/Jew communist anti-christ, but as none of those descriptions of the president are actually true…well, tough loss anyway. Maybe in 2016 Republicans will marry their moderately intelligent economic theories to less oppressive and close-minded social policies. And then hell will freeze over and the Cubs will win the World Series. 2016’s looking to be a good year, overall.
For now, it’s time for everyone to lick their respective wounds (this was a nasty grueling battle for both sides) and, you know, stop thinking about politics for another 3.5 years. Can’t wait to hear about Lindsay Lohan’s latest bout with cocaine or driving a car – that’s real news, people. To help move the process along, I thought I’d offer some tips to Republicans for how to deal with their tragic defeat.
- Experiment with your sexuality. Now that gay marriage is legal in 10 states, there’s never been a better time to go gay. Watch the first two seasons of Modern Family, check out the local gay bar, have anonymous buttsex in a dark alley. Maybe you’ll discover that, despite your God-fearing Christian values, the hot, hard steel of another man’s dingle is really what you’ve been craving all along.
- Smoke weed. Similarly, recreational marijuana use is now legal in a number of states. Ever wondered why you can’t fathom evolution, global warming, or other proven facets of science? Maybe it’s because you’ve never been high.
- Bathe in the money that you still have. Because, honestly, tax loopholes will always exist. Obama says he’s going to tax your rich ass, but will he really? It’s unlikely. Our government is so bureaucratically bloated that true tax reform will never take place without the system devolving into pure anarchy. So, rest assured that you’ll still be rich, others will still be poor, and you can still donate your old show horses to charity to take advantage of remarkably giant tax breaks.
- Re-evaluate your core values. So maybe not all Republicans are wealthy. I get that. This election then is an opportunity for all Republicans, rich or poor, to take a few moments for intense reflection. Do you really believe in trickle-down economics? Is female reproductive health really a matter for Congressional discussion? Was Hurricane Sandy just a fluke or a real, physical manifestation of global warming in action? Will the South ever rise again? These questions and more might provide, if not solace in these hard times, at least a more accurate understanding of how the world works.
- Seppuku. If all else fails, I hear this is the honorable way to commit suicide. And don’t say moving to Canada is an option – they’re more of a socialist wonderland than America will ever be.