Back in 1629, or whenever the hell the Pilgrims first crashed into Plymouth Rock, scouted the bleak, forested landscape, and decided it would be a good place to raise a family and/or starve, I feel like the Pilgrims had something real to be thankful for. For them, not being drowned, starved, or burned alive by a crowd of wild-eyed Protestants meant fantastic, unprecedented success. Sure, they might have watched friends and relatives get dragged off into the woods by a pack of ravenous wolves, or they might have sustained grievous wounds while ejecting the heathen natives from their ancestral lands, but overall, if a Pilgrim was still alive by this time of the year, life was fucking grand.
And so they decided to celebrate by creating Thanksgiving, blowing their winter food stores in one big meal and probably all starving by Christmas. Great idea, guys. Maybe you should have created a holiday about hoarding instead. Oh wait, that’s Christmas.
Even though I’m not a Pilgrim, facing a grim, hostile ice-scape every time I open my thin cabin door, I still feel like I have a thing or two to be thankful for today. Obviously, remaining alive is excellent, even in this age of the zombie renaissance, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to not die these days than it was back in 1492. Back then, a simple cut while chopping wood could lead to infection which could lead to losing the arm which could lead to bleeding out in a snowdrift while your children starve. Nowadays, who chops wood anymore? Just buy a space heater.
1. I’m thankful for space heaters. (I guess we’re starting the list now)
2. I’m thankful for dump trucks. Especially those huge mining ones that are like three stories tall. That’s just so cool. And probably handy if you need to haul around like, fifteen elephant carcasses or an asteroid or something.
3. I’m thankful for rampant commercialism. I think there’s nothing more fascinating than man’s endless capability to turn nothing into something that idiots will spend money on.
4. I’m thankful for toilet paper. I would rather cut off my hand than wipe my butt with it. Can’t imagine how certain cultures do that. Don’t they get how gross that is? Ugh.
5. I’m thankful for birds. They probably do something beneficial.
6. I’m thankful for not being a serial killer. That would probably be a real downer, wanting to kill people all the time. Can’t imagine it makes life easier.
7. I’m thankful for spit. Mostly because I woke up with a really dry mouth this morning and I’m super glad that went away. Not thankful for spitting though. That’s a filthy habit.
8. I’m thankful for my friends. Assuming they’re not all imaginary.
9. I’m thankful for my parents. They created me and, honestly, that was a really good idea. I literally would not be here if not for them. Kudos.
10. I’m thankful for you readers. You’re probably better than a space heater. Probably.