Sure, many of you may be living by the Juche calendar, which just celebrated the completion of its first century (Huzzah North Korea!) and has a long way to go before arriving at an endpoint – but secretly, deep down in the bottom of your heart, near the right ventricle and inferior vena cava, you know that the only true calendar is the Mayan calendar. And, as we flow inexorably towards the end of the year 5125, we move ever closer to the final day for all life on Earth. It sure has been grand!
You laugh. Ha! Mayan calendar, what a joke. Widely disproved by scientists and archeologists and college students who just took a monster bong rip, this whole “end of days” thing hasn’t been believed since the film 2012 arrived in theaters and, despite it’s clear and unambiguous awfulness, did not cause lava to spurt from the earth like a teenage boy popping a giant zit.
While that movie may not have heralded the arrival of the four horseman, it certainly didn’t preclude any of other clear symbols of the impending apocalypse. I’ve pulled together just a few here – I’m sure you can watch Fox News any day of the week to find at least a half dozen more.
- Hostess bankruptcy. If the company that makes food that lasts forever can’t last forever…what can?
- Re-makes of movies made in the 90s. If we’re already re-making such modern classics as Total Recall and Judge Dredd then it’s a clear sign that time is squinching inward upon itself. Soon, we’ll be re-making movies before we even release them which will, inevitably, cause some sort of time vortex that makes everyone look like that Justin Bieber/Steve Buscemi picture. After that there’s really no other recourse but mass suicide.
- Dubstep. Have you listened to Skrillex or any of his contemporaries? It’s like someone recorded a car accident in a trash compactor and then removed the melody. Clear sign that the gods are pissed.
- Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm. This deal doesn’t sound so bad on the surface – more Star Wars yay! It’s only when you know the truth about Disney that your concern grows. You see, as a Disney shareholder, I’ve been reading their quarterly statements and discovered, deep down in the fine print, that Disney is actually owned by a coven of undead werewolf Jehovah’s Witnesses. Seeing as how their religious beliefs (and undeadness) will allow them to weather the apocalypse, the purchase of Lucasfilm is really part of a larger consolidation effort by these Disney overlords to collect everything awesome before the world ends. That way, they can take a few good things through to the High Holy Land or wherever the hell Johowits go when the world explodes. Probably Tampa.
- My farts. It’s been a really weird day guys, I don’t know what I ate but whatever is seeping out of me can’t be healthy for myself or the world. I can almost see the ozone layer peeling away, not to mention the paint on the walls.
The most conclusive evidence of all, though, is this ancient Angelfire website which lists out a full seven ancient Mayan prophecies. Let me cut to the chase for you: The other six are all different variations on global warming. Which is definitely true. I mean, it was really hot this summer.