It’s been a grand year for music. I’ve heard several sounds – definitely at least four. One was like a BOOM noise and there was also this clap, I guess? Maybe you guys heard those sounds too? They were pretty okay. If you’re curious, you can listen to a bunch of them right here on this very site.
Even without those middling/decent sounds, it’s been a successful musical year. Let’s recap:
– Miley Cyrus swung naked on a wrecking ball.
Gol, I can’t remember a single other thing about music this year! Maybe it’s good I didn’t watch the Grammy’s then, since I’ve seen enough wrecking ball rape to get me through dozens of partially demolished buildings. Missing the show, though, doesn’t mean I can’t feel pretty confident in calling all the major categories for the Grammy’s ten years on from now! Bring on 2024, baby, as we look my musical crystal ball…
Record of the Year: “So Randy Right Meow” – A bag of cats molesting a telephone pole (Some things never change. Well, except for the fact that cats will make up 80% of musical performers in 2024.)
Album of the Year: Noise Sound Music – Cybernetically fused remains of Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Elton John, David Bowie, some guy named Luke who got lost in the lab, a stray dog, a $20 bill, four or five Mentos, and a chip clip (Critics were unsure if it was just an open microphone or actual composed music, but they loved it anyway. Just look at that line-up! That stray dog really brought it, I mean come on.)
Song of the Year: “Marmalade” – A ball of hair that might be a hipster or might be an intelligent ball of hair. (Jury’s still out on who or what actually won this one. The Academy has to toss at least one award to the Brooklyn crowd though.)
Best New Artist: A fetus. (The Grammy’s will have finally figured out what “new” means in 2024)
Best Pop Solo Performance: “Pigeon-toed” – Lorde (She’s not going anywhere, folks.)
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: “Sounds from the Orgy” – literally just a group of people having really weird sex in a pile (Don’t judge! In ten years sex noises are going to be all over the radio, just you wait.)
Best Dance Recording: “GZZZHZJKKKKZZZKZH” – Krognak and Kulthem (They started out as vicious conquering alien overlords in 2020 but four years on they discovered the soulful sounds of scraping their tentacles against the bones of their victims and gave up the alien overlord game for good. Thank God.)
Best Dance/Electronica Album: That Noise the Computer Made When You Logged Into AOL – America Online (Ah, sweet nostalgia.)
Best Rap Song: “Slutz n Dildz” – 4 Ernzt (The artist found an astonishing number of ways to rap about sluts and dildos in this 4 hour masterpiece.)
Best Rap Album: I Swear to Me, I am God. Do You People Not Understand it Yet? I am the Second Coming of the Motherfucking Christ. – Kanye West (He didn’t actually win, but after so many years of disappointments, Kanye rushed the stage during the ceremony and sliced the head off Tupac’s cyborg replica, effectively stealing the award. It’s really the law of the jungle in some categories.)
Best Historical Album: The Music from Peter Gunn – Henry Mancini (Won the very first Album of the Year award…for music from a TV series! Weird! Another fun fact: The Chipmunks won an award back in 1959. The Chipmunks! God, music has always sucked.)