Step 1: Go to a club with a name that specifically implies you won’t recall the events of the night. It’s probably going to be the only club in town that has a deal featuring ten shots of any bottom shelf liquors.
Step 2: Order those shots. Ideally, they will glow green.
Step 3: Be awoken unexpectedly, perhaps from a small nearby explosion or a noisy YouTube video featuring obscure movie quotes. At this point you should feel like a sleepy marshmallow because you’re still technically pretty hammered.
Step 4: Recklessly embark on a regimen of showering, packing, and eating croque monsieur. It’s best if the meal takes place next to women you may or may not have hit on the night before. The quality of the women is beside the point…but presumably you’re a little embarrassed.
Step 5: Let the hangover set in. It should feel like someone is testing out all the tools in the hardware store on your head and stomach.
Step 6: Make a disappointing discovery, such as that the number one thing you wanted to do that day costs something like ten million euros because everything in France is stupid expensive, I mean, what do they think this is, the Mont Blanc tunnel?
Step 7: Find a large field in which to mourn and recover. It’s best if this field is also at the base of a mountain, specifically the base of a ski run. There should be wildflowers and bunnies. Laying down in the grass should feel like climbing into a chamber filled with velvety pillows and down comforters, minus the part where your head wants to explode.
Step 8: Get up. Presumably, if you’re experiencing this hangover, you flew to Europe for a goddamn reason and that reason was not to lay around feeling like shit, even if you are laying in one of the most scenic fields in the world. You’re surrounded by some of the highest peaks on the continent, fucking brilliant white monstrosities that would make God congratulate herself on a job well done. You need to get out there and experience it, mental and physical anguish be damned.
Step 9: Climb the mountain. There’s probably a path. Follow it or not – it doesn’t really matter because you’ll probably get lost anyway. Ignore any friends who say you’ve gone high enough because real friends know that the job’s not done until you’ve reached the peak.
Step 10: Take your shirt off somewhere in this process. Trust me, it’s crucial.
Step 11: Reach a point, peak or not, featuring an extensive, breathtaking view. Pause, ponder, percolate. Most importantly, realize you’re no longer hungover. It’s now safe to go about your day.