Seems like every day there’s a fresh headline about the racist, fascist actions of Donald J. Trump, the man, the myth, the gastrointestinal virus. For example: “Trump Thinks Whales Should Get the Vote – Not Blacks Though,” “New Polls Show Trump More Popular Than God in Some Atheist Households,” “Trump a Little Sleepy, Might Nap Soon.”
The endless media attention is no doubt great for his brand (literally – he sells a lot of branded shit including, but not limited to, fragrance and spring water), but the media attention has more or less single-handedly devoured rational media discourse. Commentators spend time dissecting how wildly inaccurate his statements are rather than contemplating the actions that can actually fix our stagnant economy and divided national identity. But there’s something even worse about all of these articles, something even more brazenly wrong.
None of them are written by me.
That’s right, I’m hopping on the write-about-Trump bandwagon – and you’re reading it right now! Hahaha you sucker, I got you good.
Never fear, though, I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll even make it easy for you! I’m going to make a list. Kids these days apparently only understand “listicles,” in which everyday topics, like what Madonna wore to the Grammies and how to emancipate yourself from your parents, are divided into numbered entries simply because paragraphs are too hard for the modern teenager.
(Actually, to be honest, or TBH as the kids say, listicles are outdated now – everything is gif based. But I’m technologically incompetent in that department, so consider this update a throwback to the heyday of the listicle era.)
All right, let’s get down to numbers followed by words. Trump frequently incites cheers and bigotry by shouting “Let’s make America great again!” It’s actually the tagline of his campaign, printed on those godawful red baseball caps he uses to cover his “hair.” Based on my limited intake of Trump-related media, though, I’m not sure he’s ever actually described how his Trump-brand future is going to make America great again. So I figured I’d toss out a few options that seem up his alley.
- Those who vote for Trump will receive a bottle of Trump-brand spring water for the special reduced price of $9.99!
- Personal prison for every household of color!
- Immigrants on leashes – like dogs!
- An American flag tattooed on the forehead of every child!
- Diplomatic relations improved through name-calling and blatant lies! If our friends or enemies don’t give in to our demands, we’ll just invade them!
- A gun in every household! A gun in every room! A gun in every pocket! A gun in every orifice! Replace the population with self-aware guns!
- An enormous black tear in the fabric of reality will manifest periodically on the floor of the House, sucking in representatives who disagree with the new, great direction of America!
- Subsidized school lunches replaced with ignorance and fear!
- The firstborn child of every foreign-born family will be shot to remind the people that America is great again!
- The Senate will be replaced with a flock of geese, all proudly stamped with the Trump logo!
- An oil derrick and refining facility in every house to improve American dependence on American oil!
- Free Trump-brand “Make America Great Again!” red hat for every newborn child (while supplies last)!
- All hiring decisions will be organized through Apprentice-style reality competitions! Hair-pulling and back-stabbing will be the most in-demand skills!
- “Nuclear football” briefcase replaced with one of those Staples buttons! Trump will press it every day – guaranteed!
- More convenient parking at all national parks as gorgeous landscapes are replaced with acres of asphalt because America doesn’t need beauty anymore, it’s too great for that!
- A ringing noise in your ear that just won’t go away!
- A new, more American vocabulary as “Trump” is awk-Trump-wardly in-Trumped inTrump everyTrump Trump-word! Trump!
- Everything will be on fire to keep the huddled masses warm in the dark future of the Trumpocalypse!
- Mandatory chaos! Blood for the blood gods!