Wolf of Wall Street – Pre-Haiku Review

Apparently, I was going to do a haiku review for Wolf of Wall Street like…two years ago, but never got around to turning my notes into actual haikus. Because I’m lazy and my notes amuse me, I’ll just publish my notes. And hey, maybe I’ll publish something new and more exciting sometime soon!

 

I’d work with Leo, who are we kidding, he could sell me water in the ocean.

 

Moves fast at first, let’s see how the next two and a half hours go.

 

Jonah Hill looks absolutely terrifying, those teeth, that half-fatness.

 

Actually, everyone but Leo looks weird. Must be on purpose.

 

It’s most clever when they’re working, not when they’re boozing.

 

Interesting to experience a world when cold calling worked.

 

I guess having excitement at work would be okay – maybe I should do coke.

 

This is why they don’t allow booze at my job.

 

Rob Reiner is a riot, who knew he had it in him.

 

There are already a half-dozen clearly unscripted screens that could be cut extensively.

 

Oscar for excess? And maybe meta-excess since it’s excessive in its excessivity?

 

I want all of their sunglasses, they can keep the rest of the wardrobe.

 

Edging towards act three and not even a third of the way through?

 

The “hot” girl does seem kind of outrageously gorgeous – is it fake like Jonah Hill’s teeth?

 

It’s basically just The Hangover with money.

 

Penicillin shots used to cure STDs? Man, those were the days.

 

He clearly doesn’t do as many drugs as he claims since he’s still alive.

 

Longest pump up speech in the world. God, where’s the editor.

 

By the time the FBI guy comes around again I’ve forgotten about him and don’t give a shit about his deal.

 

It revs up like everything will crash and then nothing happens and then it revs up again and then nothing happens.

 

Sometimes Leo still looks like he’s just a kid. It’s especially weird when he’s high as balls.

 

And yet I can’t look away.

 

It’s like Cheech and Chong with money.

 

And then Leo gives another twenty minute speech! Can someone seriously just hook him off the stage already?

 

I miss Matthew McConaughey.

 

How much shit can happen in one movie? Now I know.

 

And then he gets caught? What was the FBI guy up to? Are we not supposed to care? Just trust that he did a good job?

 

And he quits drugs? No withdrawal scenes? Must be the only thing on the cutting room floor.

 

Honestly, it’s shitty when Leo’s not winning. Guess that’s why they saved that part for the last fifteen minutes.

 

He was the villain all along! And we rooted for him! Against our better judgment!

 

I expect this film to cut to black mid-sentence.

 

I’ll bet the story of the FBI guy was really fun. If only he wasn’t just a coatrack in this movie.

 

They show the FBI guy looking conflicted on the subway. Are we supposed to assume the criminal life was better than his all along?

 

Weird to have Jordan Belfort cameo as a guy introducing Jordan Belfort.

 

Wolf of Wall Street: Overdosing on the drugs, underdosing on wall street fun.

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