Category: Humorous Rant

The Madness of Getting Money Back

I will never understand how people give change. Allow me to tell a little story to illustrate. Monday evening, I’m at Starbucks. Planning on doing a little journaling amidst the buzz of caffeinated young people who have all, oddly, chosen to wear dense headphones while mashing away at their tiny laptops. Like, what’s the point of the communal atmosphere if…

10 Reasons to Dislike the Winter Olympics

I’ve watched the Sochi Winter Olympics almost religiously these past two weeks and, well, it’s getting to me. Let’s be clear – I do love the Olympics. I think the sports are kooky and delightful, the commentators amusing, the stadiums architecturally fascinating. But in my forty-odd viewing hours, I’ve arrived at a few significant gripes. 1. It’s not actually winter…

This Coffee Tastes Like

Coffee is so gross. I don’t understand how people grasp complex flavors within this hideous brown sludge. And I’m talking about ostensibly good coffee here, brewed in an upscale coffeehouse by some guy with more tattoos than skin who takes much greater pride in brewing the perfect cuppa than providing middling to decent customer service. This is the kind of…

A Balmy -20 Degrees!

I blame Canada. Some asshole up north played a little too much hockey over the weekend, pounded a few too many Molson Ices, and now we’re all just fucked. Come on, fess up, you socialist monsters – who let the Polar Vortex out? Like a slowly swirling mass of frozen arctic air, the Polar Vortex has brought incredibly cold temperatures…

Why We’re Living in the Best Possible Era

Sometimes in conversation, particularly conversations taking places on docks at midnight under a veil of bright, shining stars, the question comes up: Are we living in the best possible era? Most agree that, yes, with our modern worldview, we’d struggle to be happy in decades or centuries past. Lacking modern conveniences that provide instant gratification, we’d invariably succumb to depression.…

Gettin My Blood Sucked

Watching a cloud of mosquitoes descend on your body is one of life’s more unsettling moments. I had been idly batting at the bugs for the majority of my hike, gleefully killing two or three as they came to rest on my exposed forearms, but I was never truly troubled. Caught up in the majesty of nature, I didn’t sense…

My Allergies

When I was a kid I got a cold every summer. We would affectionately refer to it as a “Cody Cold,” as if this were an illness specific to me, registered trademark and all. It wasn’t a traumatic illness in any way, no ebola-bleeding-from-my-pores issues here. My nose leaked, my eyes watered, I mustered through. It typically lasted a few…

Thoughts Running Through My Mind As I Type In The Wrong Gmail Password For The Thousandth Time

I could probably carry a child to term in the time it’s taken me to remember my gmail password. And that includes rendering an artificial womb from a balloon and a slinky and jamming it up my butt. Not to mention procuring an egg from a desperate prostitute and sperm from, well, someone other than me, I guess. Or maybe…

The Perils of Wet Air

Sometimes you can just sense it. Sure, the weather might be crappy – rain, low-hanging clouds, temperatures hovering just above freezing. Nothing that would honestly disrupt a normal person’s day, though. And certainly nothing that would hinder a technologically advanced tube, packed full of human-meat, hurtling through the sky at incredible speeds. If it turns out planes can’t handle a…