Category: What?

On the Dock

Night, the air turning cool. Stars bright in the west, but dim in the east where the glow of the city diffuses their radiance. Water laps softly against the dock, a gentle distraction from the conversation lull. It is past midnight now, and talk has turned to other things. “How do you feel about ghosts?” “Comfortable, I think. Like, if…

In a Business Meeting

Pectorals bursting at the seams of his trim grey suit coat, Jeff the gorilla slams a hairy fist on the boardroom table. The chatter and hoots of the other businessapes diminish. “A lot of sweat equity went into this,” Jeff announces, pointing at a Powerpoint slide showing a series of differently colored pie charts. “I want to make sure that…

Firing Guns with Boys

Stepping into a gun shop is like visiting a liquor store that only sells nebuchadnezzars of wine. It’s impressive, imposing, and you honestly don’t think you can handle one of what they’re selling. But still…it makes you kinda thirsty. The guns are arrayed throughout the store like power tools at a hardware store, with just as much variety and absurdity.…

Some Apologies

Dear Grey Shorts, I’m really sorry about the stain. I swear it’s not poop. Honestly, I would know if I shit my pants. I mean, sure, I do fart a lot, it’s not like you don’t know that. (I guess I’m sorry about that too) But like, if I shit my pants it wouldn’t just be a thin streak of…

This Post is About Putting Milk in My Tea

I discovered something today. I’ve heard for years that the Brits enjoy adding copious amounts of milk and sugar to their tea. It’s a notion I’ve generally dismissed as a concept along the lines of “only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun.” Sugar in tea I can understand, as it dissolves nicely and alleviates the bitterness.…

A Phone Call from Charter

me:  charter called to inform me that they have a better deal on internet Ian:  great! Ian:  get some! me:  but i have to call their special service line to get it Ian:  aw me:  you’d think they’d tell me about the deal and give it to me in one call, save some time and money Ian:  why not call…

Canceled Fall TV Series

Living alone in the suburbs with the social life of a nerdy tortoise has given me plenty of opportunities to check out the hot new fall TV shows. So far, I’ve enjoyed my time with Matthew Perry in “Go On,” even if the concept (sports show anchor joins a dysfunctional help group to get over the recent death of his…

Aside

Sometimes I go to a bar on a Friday night. Sometimes I go to a bar with TVs. Sometimes the TVs tell me that if I text a comment to a certain number, my text will show up on the screen. Sometimes I take advantage of this opportunity.

Here are the resulting texts:

– What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

– I can’t jelly my dick down your throat LOL

– Anybody else smell that?

– Hey, who’s skin am I wearing?

– I just shit my pants. Who wants it?

– I’m turned on by snails. Anybody else?

– Anybody else wearing an electrified jock strap? Feels good

– Hey, dancing girl, you’re super cute. And you smell nice.

– Who else is a zombie? Necrophilia lovers unite

– I need more toy trains shoved into my butt. Any takers?

– Am I the only one who smells like shit?

– I shook hands with your father once. Got a boner.

– Remember when you loved me? I don’t. Suck it.